My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) January 9, 2017
Pretty sure he's my kid. pic.twitter.com/iMS4Kk673U— SCOTT WARNER (@ScottWarner18) January 9, 2017
Breaking news: My kid is crying.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2017
Note I said "kid," not "kids."
This is the quietest my house has ever been.
I think I'll take a nap.
It's not that I don't want my kid to eat, it's just that I really want to finish her grilled cheese— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) January 7, 2017
Sorta feel bad that my kid's first college roommate will be the one to tell her that her absent-minded hum-singing can get on ppl's nerves— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) January 7, 2017
Me: Ugh! I never get any time to myself!— Lacey Nycole (@LaceyNycole) January 5, 2017
Also me: Omg my kid is napping! I can finally do whatever I want!
*sits on phone for 2 hours*
ME:*holds baby aloft— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) January 8, 2017
*sings 'The Circle Of Life'
PRIEST: Please sit down. This is a funeral.
LADY BESIDE ME: And give me my son back.
Waking up at odd hours to change my son's diaper & burping him at 11:59pm just before New Year gave me this new found respect for my Mom.— Conversationalist (@RamzZy_) January 8, 2017